I Pray For You!

Growing in the Baptist Church, I would always here that phrase: ” I will pray for you”.  Well, it was always meant in a very good and positive manner!

But what happens when someone, your formerly significant other, has done you wrong and you feel like you have taken the biggest SCREWING in your life?

How do you as a person deal with it positively?  Well fret no more gang, I just heard a song that sums it all up very positively!  It is by Jaron and The Long Road to Love.  It is just started played on country stations, you should really check it out!  The video is after the lyrics.

To all those who have put the screws to me, I am going to church on Sunday and …..I Will Pray For You!!  LOL!

Here are the lyrics!

I haven’t been to church since I don’t remember when
Things were goin’ great ‘til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can’t go hatin’ others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them

I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are honey, I pray for you

I’m really glad I found my way to church
‘Cause I’m already feelin’ better and I thank God for the words

Yeah I’m goin’to take the high road
And do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messin’ up and I’ll keep prayin’ for you

I pray your tire blows out at 110
I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend and wake up with his and her tattoos

I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car,
wherever you are honey, I pray for you.

OH YEAH, I AM STILL LIVING THE DREAM!

Check out the video!

httpvhd://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA

Cellphone Angst

http://www.bestpcreviews.com/images/phones/bb1.jpg

I have a Blackberry with at&t mobile service.  I have been a longtime at&t mobile customer, and I have been relatively happy with their product, until recently.

About two years ago I decided to get myself a Blackberry phone.  It would allow me to access many things that I needed, while away from my home flying to all point of the USA.  For the first year my Blackberry worked fine.  Then I inadvertently tried to teach my phone how to swim in the toilet!! (That in itself is another good story.)  I found out very quickly that a Blackberry can not do the backstroke, the breaststroke, the butterfly, nor the freestyle!

The replacement that I had to purchase, I inadvertently forgot to purchase insurance on the first phone, lasted a few months before it developed technical problems.  The second replacement lasted about 6 months before it developed technical as well as aesthetic physical issues.

I now have a third replacement Blackberry, now a total of 4 phones later, that is only 33 days old.  It, too, is now not functioning at 100% capacity.  It is very slow and it appears that the battery doesn’t last as long as it should.  When switching between applications, it goes into its “thinking” mode!  C’mon, dude, don’t start that “thinking” crap with me all the time!!

Well, I have talked to the at&t mobile store and they were not going to “work a deal” with me. I spoke to them about working a deal to change phones to an Apple iPhone.  They say that Apple has “their hands tied” contractually.  Well I said that if you show me what that knot looks like, I am sure that I can untie it and then we can play “Let’s Make A Deal”!!  The lady saw no humor in that part of our conversation, GRRRR.  She informed me that my account was not available for an upgrade until 9/6/2010, that’s five months away.  But if I wanted to pay full price-$499 for the iPhone- she would be more than happy to help me out.  I believe what she meant to say was that if I was that stupid and willing to pay double price for the iPhone before my contract was up, she would be MORE than happy to take my money and help me out, you idiot!

YGBSM!!  (You gotta be S####ing me!)  I believe that was was my reply to this young lady on the other end of the phone acting as a ‘customer service’ person.  There was a long pause and then she so eloquently replied…….”I take that answer to be NO, Mr. Hammack????”  I told her that I thought that she was brilliantly intuitive!

So what is a person to do when his cellphone starts to act up and the replacements aren’t any better equipment.  Additionally, it appears that your cellular company is into S&M bondage, informing you that their hand are tied up, and they really don’t want them untied!

Someone please help me!

OH YEAH, I AM STILL LIVING THE DREAM!

I Need Presidential Help!

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The White House (photo courtesy Leon Hammack)

Dear Mr. President;

Dude, it is Monday morning on the island of Kauai.  The Martinsville NASCAR race was postponed Sunday because of rain all up and down the East Coast.  The race was scheduled for the Green Flag to fall at 12 noon EDT, 6am Hawaiian time on FOX.

Well I set my alarm for 5:50 am so that I can get up and be prepared for the beatin’ and bangin’ that ocur at this track.  Well I find the FOX affiliate channel on my hotel TV only to find that these clowns in Hawaii are not showing the race on the live feed!

Oooohhhh nnnnoooo, it is much more important to show the cackameme “Morning in Hawaii Show” on FOX.  Who gives a Rats Butt about the morning traffic on H1, or at Punch Bowl, or at the Ala Moana shopping center!  Do I care about the lack of rain on the Islands or do I need to know that the “trade winds” will be decreasing over the next few day?  Absolutely NOT!

Now FOX is showing “Live with Regis and Kelly”.  Come on are these two programs more important than a good quality redneck broadcast of NASCAR at Martinsville?? Are the programmers for real?  Who are they kidding?

This is the second time that I have had NASCAR withdrawals at this hotel!  Last summer the Kauai Marriott hotel had trouble with their satellite provider and I could not get ESPN on the TV for a race.  To say that I had a “Chapped Butt” last summer was an understatement!  Now to be forced to watch “Live with Regis and Kelly”, instead of NASCAR from Martinsville, I am now feeling the need once again for my Boudreaux’s Butt Paste!

Dude, is there any influence that you, the chick that is the Speaker of the House or that other Dude in the Senate, Harry Reid, could exert with Rupert Murdoch, owner of FOX, to get the switch flipped so that I can please see the remaining part of the NASCAR race from Martinsville?  Dude, it important to me that I am able to watch the race!  Dude, can you help me out?

TIL NEXT TIME, I AM STILL WORKING ON MY REDNECK!

Jimmy and Leon’s Great Adventure

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(photo courtesy Leon Hammack)

2275 miles in 49 hours!

That’s right, you read it correctly!  2275 miles in 49 hours in a 2002 Suzuki Vitara, and we lived to talk about it!

It wasn’t originally planned to be a world wind rush through the Southern States, but it turned out to be exactly that.  It was originally planned to be a three day trip, but even that plan was going to be ambitious.

After a rather long day at the Daytona 500, approximately 2 hours of delays while the grounds crew tried two different times to patch a large hole in the middle of turn 1 and 2, we ( my brother Jimmy and I) rushed to our awaiting car to begin the drive back to the West Coast.  By the time that we climbed into our homeward transportation, it was 7:55 pm Sunday evening.

Our plan was to drive about 240 miles to around , Gainesville FL and call it an evening.  But we were still feeling good when we approached Gainesville, so onward we went!  We blew by Gainesville and Tallahassee like animal with the lower part of its anatomy on fire!!   I gazed at my watch and noticed that it was almost midnight. Thinking back on the day, we got up that morning at 4 am in order to be guaranteed a primo parking spot on International Blvd. ( across the street from Daytona International Speedway).  Nevertheless, two hours later (now 2 am) we both ran out of steam!  We found a rest area, pulled the car into one of the parking lanes, grabbed our blankets that we bought the previous day that might keep us warm at the race track, reclined out seats, and commenced to try to grab “a few ZZZZZZ’s.”

Quite to my amazement, the sleep was short lived!  In about 2 hours we were awakened by the sound of rain hitting the front windshield.  We quickly gathered up our senses,”fired” up the Suzuki, and got back on the interstate heading West!  It was now 4 am and we have a lot of real estate lying ahead of us!

Interstate 10 is a long lonely stretch of road to tackle, but we were up for the challenge. The rain posed a small problem, as rain always does, but lasted only for about 4 hours.  Not to be deterred, we were off and on a mission!

The cities clicked off like miles on an odometer, Pensacola, Mobile, Pascagoula, Moss Point (more on these two cities later), Biloxi, New Orleans, Ponchatrain, Baton Rouge, Houston, and San Antonio.  Finally at 10pm Monday night we decided to “shut it down” in Fort Stockton, TX and found a Holiday Inn Select for our sleeping needs.  As a side note, upon waking up  from my fantastic, but short, night of sleep in the Holiday Inn, I felt much much smarter than I did before I went to sleep!  (Reference old Holiday Inn commercials!)

6am Tuesday morning, the wake up call comes!  “Man was that a short night sleep”, I kept thinking as I was in the shower !!!  It is time to get cleaned up, get checked out, hit Mickey D’s for some quick “body fuel”, and get doing a little Steppenwolf!  For those of you too young to understand that reference, Steppenwolf was a 60’s band that sang “Born to be Wild”!!  As in:

“Get your motor runnin’,

head out on the highway.

Lookin’ for adventure,

and what ever comes our way.”

So off we go on our way to Yuma, AZ.  From Ft. Stockton westward the view is the same, desert, scrub brush, barren land, and cowboys!  About 250 miles later we passed through a town that sparked another song in my head, an old Martin David Robinson tune, better known as Marty Robbins, the classic was from the 60’s as well.  It goes something like this:

“Out in the west Texas town of El Paso

I fell in love with a Mexican girl.

Nighttime would find me at Rosa’s contina;

Music would play and Felina would whirl.

Blacker than night were the eyes of Felina,

Wicked and evil while casting a spell.

My love was deep for this Mexican maiden;

I was in love but in vain, I could tell.”

However the song was short lived just like everything else that day, cause we pulling a Hank Snow, “I’m moving on!”!

To sum up the 2275 mile trek in 49 hours it would go like this:

Scenically fast, conversationally great, and the company was the best!  Additionally, overseeing the safety of his two boys, I know, was our dad, Archie Wilson Hammack!!

What an adventure we had!!

TIL NEXT TIME, I AM STILL WORKING ON MY REDNECK!

Is That A Kleenex?

On my trip yesterday from LAX-LIH (Lihue, Kauai) I was forced to try to consume the crew meal that was boarded for me at LAX.  I normally try to avoid the crew meals that are boarded at LAX because the caterer there really puts out a very inferior product!

In light of the economy, my employer is doing everything to try to conserve capital expenditures.  Not withstanding are the huge bonuses that they handed out to the themselves, kinda like AIG and the other Wall Street bankers.  After all, they must take care of themselves, right?

I apologize for the digression, back to the discussion of my crew meal.  As I previewed this luscious culinary delight, I noticed that the package containing my plastic knife, plastic fork, salt package, pepper package, and napkin looked slightly different.  As I gathered up my utensils, I also grabbed up my “napkin” to tuck it into my collar to protect my tie from soilage.  ( I can be a slob when eating my crew meal in my seat, after all, there is no table or tray from which to eat off of!)

It was at this time that I examined the so called napkin.  It felt different to the touch, very thin and fragile, so I held it up to the light so that I could examine it more closely.  On closer scrutiny it appears that the caterer wrapped up my “plastic utensils” with a Kleenex in lieu of a dinner napkin!  That’s right a K-l-e-e-n-e-x!!!!

Have you ever tried to wipe some food off your face with a Kleenex?  The thinness of the Kleenex shredded into a thousand pieces!  I found that I was wiping my face with my bare fingers! EEEWWW!!!

Fortunately I had gathered up a few paper towels from the forward galley prior to departure, just in case I was a slob and spilled stuff while in my seat!  So after the Kleenex had catastrophic shredding failure, I was able to pick up the slack and remove the smudged food and other foreign particles off my face with the paper towels that I had requisitioned prior to takeoff.

Another near disaster averted once again!

So the tale-tail signs of eating were removed from my mug.  Unfortunately the meal was absolutely horrible!  The caterer turns a boneless, skinless piece of chicken quite miraculously into a “tasteless” piece of chicken as well!

So from the Hawaiian island of Kauai……

I AM STILL LIVING THE DREAM, DUDE!

Catastrophic Zipper Failure

What is catastrophic zipper failure you ask? Is catastrophic zipper failure any worse than just plain old zipper failure?  What exactly causes catastrophic zipper failure?  Is there an emergency procedure anywhere to help me deal with this unforeseen failure?  Well I searched every available resource and found out that I was on my own!  There was no printed help to be found in any book or in any reference material of which I was familiar.  I was totally on my own to find a solution!  Oh no!

In all my 36 years of being an Air Force pilot and airline pilot, I have never experienced what I endured on Friday.  After a 2 1/2 day visit to Fresno for doctor appointments and Mother , sister, sons, and grandchildren visit, I climbed on a plane to go to work in LAX.  My secure world was about to come totally unglued.

Before I weave to tale of woe, let me tell you what my itinerary for the next 10 days encompasses.  I left Yuma, AZ on Tuesday afternoon, Jan 5th,  headed for Fresno and a doctor appointment and family visit combined.  From Fresno I flew to LAX to start my 3 day trip out to Honolulu.  Saturday evening, tonight, I fly back to LAX arriving at 5:07am Sunday morning.  I am then jumping on a plane from LAX going through Phoenix for the destination of Tuscon, AZ to meet two of my brothers to watch some good old fashion modified and late model racing on Tuscon’s 3/8 mile dirt/clay race track.  I plan on staying with them in Tuscon through Thursday morning, then hop back  on a plane to LAX and, once again fly a 3 day trip back out to Honolulu, Thurs. through Sat. morning.  Then, fly back from LAX-PHX-TUS and catch the last weekend of this big late model racing event.  That is my tentative itinerary for the next ten days!

Now that my itinerary is understood, you will have a better idea of my problem.  When I arrived in LAX I went downstairs to our operations center.  After a conference with the person who deals with medical retirement, I am gathering knowledge for that eventual possibility, I wondered into the Men’s room.  While zipping up my trousers, the mechanism instantly gave me a completely unrestricted feeling.  I thought that felt strange!  So I took a peek down at my zipper only to find that I now have a “gapper”!  I thought to myself, you gotta be s!#!#!#g me!!!!  What are you gonna do now, Captain??

I was in a panic!  I couldn’t get the zipper to reattach and function normally.  Now I have to come up with an alternative plan.  After exhausting all known possible fixes, the only fix that was available to me was to use 3 microscopically small safety pins.  I must now pin the gapping zipper as closed as possible!  This fix was almost totally unacceptable, but what was a Captain supposed to do?

To say that this fix was uncomfortable, would be an understatement at best!  But that is all that I have to work with until I could get to Honolulu and go shopping Saturday morning.

I now must leave the hotel and ride The Bus to the Ala Moana Shopping Center to see if I can find a pair of uniform replacement slacks that won’t cost an arm and a leg.  I am hopeful that I find a pair of pants, and leave the shopping center with a little bit of cash still left in my wallet.

EUREKA, MISSION ACCOMPOLISHED!

I have just returned to my hotel room with a reasonable  substitute for my uniform pants and at a very reasonable price!  In fact, I must have found the most helpful salesman in all of Macy’s!  After I explained my predicament to this young man, he went to work and found me a couple of pairs of slacks that would fit the description I gave him.  After trying both pair of slacks on, I made my selection and I was on my merry way!!

ANOTHER NEAR DISASTER AVERTED!

New Year’s Resolutions We’d Like To Hear!

1. Say at least one nice thing about the Obama administration and take a hunter safety course….Dick Cheney

2. Root out corruption in Afghanistan, no seriously….President Hamid Karsai

3. Take a hike…S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford

4. Act as though there is no”I” in the Senate…Sen. Joe Lieberman

5. I will not rip off cigarettes from my fellow inmates….Bernard Madoff

6. Read a book, now that I have written one….Sara Palin

7. Make a list of the top 10 things not to do with female staffers…..David Letterman

8. Hide the camcorder from all future boyfriends…Former Miss Calif. Carrie Prejean

9.  Know when to stay off stage and keep my mouth shut….Kanye West

10. Make a decision and stick to it….Brett Farve

11. Come up with a better story on steroids than the one I came up with in 2009….Alex Rodriquez

12. Take a driver’s ed class and do all my scoring on the golf course….Tiger Woods

My Luxurious Boston Layover Hotel Room

Well I thought that I would let everyone know what my hotel accommodation are for my downtown Boston layover on New Year’s Eve.  Let me reiterate that my employer is responsible for arranging my hotel rooms on layovers.  I will say, first and foremost, that this hotel is located in the heart of downtown Boston.  It is also one of the oldest and coolest hotels in town. The lobby is grand and luxurious with historic pictures of its past.  There are pictures of John F. Kennedy, as well as his famous Mother and Father, Rose and Joesph P. Kennedy.  Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy, JFK’s mother, is the famous daughter of “Honey” Fitzgerald, a very powerful Mayor of the City of Boston in the early 1900’s!

But that is where I will stop with the accolades.

It seems that whenever I have gotten this downtown layover in Boston, the room that is assigned to the Captain, me, is always the same!  It is not always the same room number, this particular room seems to have evil twin brothers and sisters in this hotel.  I am not so sure that any of you would pay the big dollars that this hotel gets for these rooms. But nonetheless, I have to camp out in the confined, cramped, luxurious hotel room!

Let me draw you a literal picture of my fine accommodations here.

When you open the door to my room, you walk about 13 feet down a narrow hall with a door to the right that gives way to the bathroom.  As you enter the bathroom you will notice that there is virtually no room to turn around or dry off from the shower that you will be taking!  Speaking of the shower stall, one of the walls is literally abutting the sink and mirror.  In fact, the wall is positioned less than the distance from my wrist to my elbow!  That made it very difficult to wedge myself in between those two objects to wash my hands or “blowdri” my hair!

Now for “the bedroom” portion of this luxurious abode, which is the actual living space!  I have just paced off the size of this room, are you ready for this?  It measures 11’x11′.  The bed, which is a double bed, takes up about 6’6″ of the length of the room and about 4’6″ of the width  of the room.  At the foot of the bed there is a small chest of drawers with a very small desk attached for the phone and a lamp.  There is also a chair for the desk, unfortunately you cannot move the chair much.  In fact, you can only slide the chair sideways to about a 35 degree angle!

To plug in my computer to the only electrical outlet, I had to slide the chair sideways, then I had to turn sideways to wedge myself between the foot of the bed and the desk leg.  Then stretch my arm out to its maximum extension to get the plug into the electrical outlet!  Once that was completed, I had to gather up all that energy and put it in reverse to get myself out of this contorted position!!  Once that was accomplished, I had to take a break and drink a Diet Coke to get my breath back!  Whew!

Have I drawn you a vivid picture of my room?

TIL NEXT TIME, I AM STILL LIVING THE DREAM!

Bobby Bowden and FSU Football

Bobby Bowden will end his 34-year run at Florida State after Seminoles' bowl game.

It was announced last week that the legendary Florida State University football coach, Bobby Bowden, would retire at the end of this football season.  That will bring to an end the 34 year career of one of the most successful  college football coaches in US history!  This retirement was bittersweet, it ended a year earlier that Bowden would have preferred and with his football program no longer one of the nation’s elite.

Coach Bowden, 80 years old, hoped to coach through the end of the 2010 season before giving way to his offensive coordinator, Jimbo Fisher.  But the 6-6 record extended a streak of mediocre seasons and led to a sagging home attendance and a growing sentiment among FSU supporters that it was time to change.

The Seminoles football coach spent 34 years as their head coach, working under one year contract extensions.  That contract paid the coach $2.3 million for this year alone.  The coach met with FSU President T. K. Wetherell and the Athletics Director Randy Spetman and was told that he could return next year to the university in some other capacity, but that he would be relieved of his coaching duties after the FSU bowl game.  In essence, the coach was put out to pasture!

It was a very sad final chapter for an iconic figure who has won 388 college football games, second only to the other legendary college coach, Joe Paterno of Penn State with 393 victories.

Bowden said several times that he wanted to coach one more year, but he sensed what was coming this week.  In typical Bobby Bowden fashion he released a press statement that said, “Nothing lasts forever, does it?  But I’ve had some wonderful years here a Florida State, you know it?  Hadn’t done as good lately as I wished I could have, but I’ve had wonderful years, no regrets.”

Bowden began his 44 year coaching career in 1959 at his alma mater, tiny Howard College (now Stamford), in Birmingham, Alabama.  There he went 31-6 in four years.  Next stop for Bowden was West Virgina where he spent six years as their head coach going 42-26 with two bowl appearances.

But Bobby Bowden made his mark on college football as the coach of Florida State University Seminoles!  Before Bowden, FSU was 4-29  under two coaches in the previous three seasons!  The Seminoles were an orphan in their own state, overshadowed by Florida and Miami!

Here are some of my favorite “Bowdenisms”!

On coming to FSU: “When I was at Alabama, all I heard was “Beat Auburn”.  When I was at West Virgina, all I heard was, “Beat Pittsburgh”.  When I got to FSU, their bumper stickers read, “Beat Anybody”!

On why he didn’t want to play teams coached his sons: “I knew their mother; she’d give them my plays’!

On faith: “You want to know what a real test of faith is? That’s when you go to church and reach down into your pocket, and all you have is $20 bill!”

On happiness: “Happiness is not money, and it’s not fame, and it’s not power.  Happiness is a good wife, a good family, and good health”.

Lastly…….

On Retirement: “I guess I’ll retire some day, if I live that long”!

Well Coach, you have been unfairly and unceremoniously been put out to pasture like a used up old dog!

My question to you:

Is this any way to treat an icon and the person who turned around completely the way the  rest of college football looks and treats your university?  The single person who gave credibility to Florida State University ?  The person so closely aligned to the university itself?  Is this treatment fair?

What is your take?