On November 25, 1973 at Desert Samaritan Hospital in Mesa, Az, this little guy came into this world and was about to change my life FOREVER! Little did I know that EVERYTHING in my life was about to change and never again be like it once was. I was about to embark on fatherhood and on the ride of a lifetime.
For the first twenty three years or so our relationship was rocky as some parental relationships go. He was ALWAYS going to do whatever he wanted and he was going to do it HIS way! My son was a very independent, and many times defiant teenager and young adult. To use the term “trying” would be a gross understatement in defining our relationship! My first born tried me in every single way possible, and in many ways that were seemed to be impossible!
You know there is a saying that goes something like this. “God watches over fools and drunks.” Well I found out that he watches over more people than fools and drunks! Because God was watching over two individuals that didn’t necessarily fit either of those two categories, Boyd Leon Hammack and Jason Christopher Hammack! On second thought maybe we were both fools!
But somewhere around Jason’s 23rd birthday a light switch flipped! He changed overnight! Suddenly up was up and down was down again, day was light and night was dark! Suddenly logic prevailed in his illogical world!
For the next eleven years our relationship was much better that it was, however deep down inside I knew that there was still much more in our relationship that needed tending to if we were going to have a great relationship.
Then the other shoe dropped in the fall of 2007.
One afternoon I got a call from Jason and he wanted to meet for lunch………. just me and Jason. After I hung up the phone I got an ugly knot deep in the bottom of my stomach and I began to think that this “luncheon date” is going to hurt!!!!!! I must have ran a hundred scenarios through my brain in order to prepare myself for this impending discussion.
Well that agreed upon date and time rolled around and I crawled into my car and drove to the agreed upon restaurant. I really don’t fear a lot of things, but on this particular day and time I was so fearful that I can’t even remember much about the drive to the restaurant.
Once I arrived at the restaurant Jason was already there, which is totally not Jason!!! He is usually UNFASHIONABLY late to everything……alway has been and always will be, that is just Jason!!! We quickly greeted each other, ordered up our meals and then “the dreaded Father-Son talk” began. He said that he had some things that he “needed” to tell me and asked me to just listen to him. I agreed to his wishes and added that when he was done will he listen to what I had to say as well? He agreed so now the ground rules were set!
I won’t devulge the content of our conversation, I think that it is called “executive privilege”! LOL! But to say that what Jason had to tell me was eye opening would be a gross understatement. I had made a commitment to keep my mouth shut, not to interrupt, not to justify my behavior, and to take to heart everything that he was going to tell me, as difficult as that may be. Well, let me tell you I thought that I had put on my “big boy panties”, but boy was I wrong!
During that afternoon I learned a lot abut myself that I didn’t know before! I also shed quite few tears during that fateful “father-son come to Jesus meeting”! But that lunch date with Jason was an extremely important and pivotal point in our relationship. Even though it hurt my pride, my ego, my manhood, and my heart, it was without a doubt one of the single most important days in my 70 years! However, I don’t think my heart could take another one of those days again!
From that day forward our relationship, this father-son thing, has grown immeasurably and the bond is solid!
I will say one thing. The rollercoaster ride that I mentioned at the start of this article, forty eight years later, if the truth be knownst, still continues on a much different path, but in way that is absolutely extremely gratifying to this old man!
Jason, it has been a grand old ride with you!
You have made me a very proud dad!
So today I want to wish my first born, Jason Christopher Hammack, a happy 48th birthday!!!!
For the last twenty-two months I have been rebuilding my my self, both mentally and physically! As most of you all know I had open heart surgery back on December 17, 2019. That day, that single seven hour event, has completely reshaped ol Captain Blowdri! The rebuilding, the reshaping, the wholly introspective personal inventory, has been unequivocally cathartic!
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks have turned into months, there has been a rejuvenation of heart and brain, as well as a renewed view and appreciation for life in general. Now don’t get ol Captain Blowdri wrong, there has not been a completely earth shaking “Kum-By-Yah” life change moment, however, there has been some gradual evolvements in attitude! No, I haven’t just completely become passive and offer up the other cheek, but I have opened up my eyes to the realities of relationships and life in general!
I suggest that we all look for that key ring that hold the keys to our hearts and maybe it is time to unlock that bad boy and live whatever life we all have left to its fullest! However, it will come with a huge risk to our psyche and our very prized and delicate hearts. But I submit to you that it will be extremely rewarding!
Try it! You just might like!
This goes out to the wild cards and all of the wild hearts just like mine!!!
Now listen Has anyone ever told you You’ll never amount to anything You’re just wasting your time Chasing the tail-of-a-dragon kind of dream But I’m here to tell you Anything can happen in this life If you got the heart and the passion And a God lit fire inside This goes out to the drifters And all of the dreamers ready to fly All those born to be rock stars Lifting their guitars and painting the sky Can you hear me, all of you lost ones? Who aren’t really lost ones Keep shining your light This goes out to the wild cards And all of the wild hearts just like mine
This photo of my dad, Archie, yours truly, and my first born son, Jason Christopher Hammack was taken in August 1974 out front of the house that I was living in during US Air Force Undergraduate Pilot Training at Williams AFB, AZ. I had flown my dad down to “Willy” for the formal function known as the “Dining In”. It was a formal function for all of the students and their fathers to celebrate our impending Pilot Training graduation. Therein lies the answer as to why I am wearing my formal attire known as my Mess Dress. For those that knew my Dad this will also answer the question you have been asking yourself, why is ol Arch is wearing a suit? LOL!
After doing some math in public in regards to this photo, I was a young very energetic 23 year old 2Lt. Stud Muffin. Doing that same math my Dad was 62 years, just 8 years younger than I am at this writing. And my now nearly 48 year old son was approximately 9 months old.
My how the time rockets by in a flash!
I had just finished my syllabus with the Northrup T-38 Talon, a supersonic fighter/trainer, and was feeling “ten feet tall and bulletproof”. I completed UPT high enough in my pilot training class standings to be able to get my first choice of aircraft and base. After initial training at Altus. AFB, OK, I was on my way to Travis AFB, CA to fly the C-141A Starlifter! Travis AFB is right off of I-80, about halfway between SF and Sacramento, CA.
In 1980 I got hired by Eastern Airlines and domiciled in the Big Apple, New York City. Sometime during the summer of 1980 I brought my Mom and Dad out to New York City, and I decided to be their tour guide. I showed them all around NYC culminating in a Broadway Show. I couldn’t get tickets to a New York Yankee game while they were there. It would have been really cool to take Pop to Yankee /Red Sox game, but it was all sold out!!
So the show I took them to see was P. T. Barnum. The look on my parent’s faces when we got into our seats at the theater was “priceless”! They were getting ready to see a Broadway Show in NYC!!! WOW, wow, wow! That is another story that will be for another post.
The next day I rounded up my folks, we got onboard the Eastern Shuttle B-727, and headed down to Washington, DC for more “tourista” stuff! I took them on the tour of the US Capitol Bldg. where my Mom took the photo of me and Dad above.
After we toured the Capitol Bldg., including where the joint houses meet for the State of The Union Address, we sauntered down the mall to the Smithsonian Aviation and Space Museum, where we spent the rest of the afternoon. My parents never forgot this venture for the rest of their lives. They would always reference this trip and state just how much fun that they both had!
Forty one years ago I really didn’t think that this was a really big deal. But in 2021 I realize just how big of a deal it really was for them, and for me as well! Sometimes we fail to recognize that some of the little things in life really turn out to be the big things in life!!!
Pop this is your Captain speaking:
A million times we looked for you
a million times we cried.
If love alone would have saved you
you never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly,
in death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a special
place no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and a broken heart a lane,
We would gladly walk to heaven
and bring you home again!
Pop, I never got to tell you thank you.
Thank you for teaching me the value of honor, dignity, and integrity in being a man.
I can’t believe that my Mom has been gone for nine years! It truly seems like just last week that I produced this video below, with the help of my son Jason, for her “Celebration of Life”.
Mothers are faithful companions and confidants even in the most difficult times. Mothers dedicate their lives to caring and providing for their children both physically and emotionally. They always seem to know how to help them to overcome problems and thrive in spite of them. A mother’s love is irreplaceable, which makes losing her to death an incredibly painful experience. While sons and daughters of all ages carry within their hearts a dull and lasting ache where they once felt love and security, it is important they continue searching for the happiness their mother always desired for them.
The following poem sums up my feelings on this ninth anniversary of my Mother’s passing.
If Roses Grow in Heaven By Dolores M. Garcia
If roses grow in heaven, Lord please pick a bunch for me, Place them in my Mother’s arms and tell her they’re from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her, and when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy, I do it every day, but there’s an ache within my heart that will never go away!
TIL WE MEET ON THE OTHER SIDE, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A HOLE IN MY HEART!
Over the last 50 years my life’s journey has taken me far, near, wide and narrow. I have travelled to five of the seven continents, was on my way to Anarctica, but was re-routed. Additionally I never made to Africa.
During that half-century my journey’s paths were, to copy a song title from Sir Paul, some very “long and winding roads”!
I have made some really great decisions and I have made some REALLY DUMB choices! All of which have packaged together in what has become the 70 year old me, Captain Blowdri. I will admit that there were many times that I told myself that “I sure wished that I had not done that”!
There were many times that I knew that, where I was at the time just wasn’t the real me. Nevertheless, I proceeded on, as uncomfortable as that was at that time. But I always knew that eventually I would “come back home”. I just knew deep down inside that the real me would re-emerge.
Well that time happened, and it came to me over the last 18 months, since I had open heart surgery!
I have embedded a music video with this post that may best explain this phenomena. It talks about how good it is to “return to your roots”, to re-discover yourself! If you do not listen to country radio and have not heard this song, I urge you to click on it. When you listen to the music, close your eyes and let it wash all over you! Let your inner being take control and let that inner you understand what this song means to you!
There is a rich and deeper meaning in the interpretation of these lyrics that you may find applicable to your life! To copy yet another famous quote from the oft misquoted philosopher Gomer Pyle, USMC……SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!
It is all about re-discovering the real you!
The song is written and sung by Thomas Rhett, and for me the symbolism of the lyrics really hits home!
I saw the light, I found the way home Thank you, Lord, Amen Man, it feels good to be country again
I don’t mind that I am 70 years old!! (Says almost nobody that I have ever known.).
I have now had about a couple of months to try on this 70 thing. To be honest I am still in the “try out mode”. There are times when this age fits comfortably like a nice warm winter glove. On the other hand there are times that the fit is extremely uncomfortable, tight, constrictive, choking and unable to breathe. Then there are times when this 70 year old exterior is so emotionally upsetting that tears erupt.
In order to come full circle in this discussion of my age I must travel back in time about sixteen months. Sixteen months ago, December 17, 2019 was the day that I went into Scripps La Jolla to have my aortic valve replaced by Dr. Jeff Tyner. As I have written about it on this website, that day was a very large life even that would change many things in my life forever.
The surgery took just slightly over six hours to complete. For me it was all over in the blink of an eye. However, for my immediate family it was probably a very long and painstaking morning and afternoon.
Within a couple of days I was beginning to get on the road to recovery. But being by myself most of the time in the hospital, you have ample time to reflect on all of your life that led up to your appointment with the cardio thoracic surgeon. Many of those visions and talks with one’s self were insightful, but not nearly as insightful as the talks that have come afterward! I will admit that during my week stay in the hospital I had many “come to Jesus talks” with myself. Many of those talks were telling myself that “Dude, it is time to put on your “Big Boy Panties” and get yourself into recovery mode.
When I got home from San Diego I got myself programmed to begin my recovery by getting dressed each morning and get out walking. I knew that doing that, walking, I would be getting my cardiovascular system back into shape, thereby accelerating my recovery process.
At my three month month recovery point this country and the entire world, was hit with the pandemic of COVID-19. Damn! Now, just when I am just starting to feel like I am markedly better and that I could get into my car drive to Fresno to see my kids and my grandkids, the world just stopped turning! Just when I felt that I could safely go visit my boys I was forced back into isolation! Well ok! Surely this virus will be short lived and we can get back to our normal regiment in due time!
So the days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. And now the months have turned into more than a year! All that time to be isolated. All that time to be reflective. All that time to be critical. And all that time to do some much needed psychological “house cleaning”.
As Winter majestically bloomed into Spring with hopes of healing up, COVID spread like wildfire! As Spring warmed up into the extreme heat that occurs in the Sonoran Desert, I was forced back into my air conditioned house in June. Then the Summer heat cooled as the calendar transitioned into Fall, and 2020 ended for me just as it started, lonely and isolated. I was back in my house, solo, keeping my distance from all human beings, meanwhile walking in the morning for my physical well-being as well as for my mental well-being!
It was during those 53 minute morning walks five days a week that I began working on my mental well-being. It was during those 53 minute walks that I tried to evaluate where I am in this thing called life. It was during those 53 minute walks that I realized that I need to try to fix all the problems, or perceived problems, that I have inventoried. And so the process began.
In scrutinizing my memory bank, I remembered that not all birthdays that ended with a zero was enlightening, introspective, or just downright painful. Looking back there was really only one previous birthday that ended with a zero that really caught my attention. That birthday was the morning I woke up being ………… 50 years old!
That birthday, 50, made me realize that there was no question that I was more than halfway on my life’s journey, since I did not know anyone that was 100 years old at that time! On that day I remember spending it in self reflection and introspection. On that day I remember feeling like ‘where the hell did the time go’? How can my two little boys be in the mid to late twenties already? I really can’t be this old this quickly, can I? On that day I remember telling myself “pull those belts tight ’cause the ride is going to get a lot faster and a lot rougher Captain”!
Well little did I know that the advice that I had given myself was going to be some very sage advice!
Fast forward 20 years and I have had some of those same thoughts run through my head over the last two months. How can I be 70 years old? How can Jason be looking at turning 48 in November? How can I have an 18 year old grandson and a soon to be 15 year old granddaughter? How can my hair be turning silver? How can this be already?
One of the biggest questions for me now is I am worried about my mortality and my legacy. After having open heart surgery the reality is that my days are numbered. But how much time do I have, 20 years, 10 years, 5 years? None of us know that answer. I have come to grips, however, with the reality that there is more of my life that has played out in the rear view mirror than there is left to play out through the front windshield! And that, my friends, scares the hell out of me!
But I know that is something that we all have to come to terms with in our lives. To my friends and family that are older than me, and have already dealt with this legacy/mortality issue, I think that you know what I am talking about. For those of you who are younger than I, and may be still “in the prime of your life”, this time is coming for you….. just be prepared!
Before you know it you will be saying, “how did the time fly by so damn fast”? We all will answer that question in our own particular way!
After all, life is a very long and very winding road!
A few days ago I finished writing about my aortic valve replacement surgery. For those who have read all the episodes and followed me through the approximately three months that led up to my December 17th open heart surgery, you may have figured out that it was the single biggest life changing event that I have ever had to deal with, both physically and emotionally! Even that is a gross understatement, to say the least!
For those of you that may not have read the seven part story that I have posted up on this website, you may want to spend a few minutes to check it out!
This morning I took time to re-read my work on the multi episodes involving my aortic valve replacement surgery. By doing so those posts triggered some new and different emotions within yours truly!
After further review, and much more contemplation, I have come to realize that my perspectives on many things have changed dramatically since December 17, 2019.
Over the last five years leading up to my open heart surgery, I was spending more and more time alone, for reasons that I will not delve into for this post. I wasn’t lonely, but I really didn’t mind being alone. More time than I would like to, but I was ok with staying home.
I have my brother and sister-in-law living just a couple of blocks away, but generally I spent most of my time by myself. For the four months of June-October I would spend the that traveling from Yuma up to Fresno, Sonoma, Coos Bay Oregon, back to Santa Rosa, over to Chico, to Las Vegas, and then back to Yuma caravanning with them in our motorhomes. I did that from 2011-2019 and had a fantastic time with family and friends.
The summer of 2019 kind of was a watermark summer. That is when I knew that I would be having my aortic valve replaced come the Fall. That summer was a time for me to begin my internal investigation of not what I was, but who I am!
Those two concepts, what I am and who I am, are totally different concepts and require a much different personal investigation. For most of my first 60 years I was really more focused on what I was. I spent most of my time focused my airline career and pursuing the almighty dollar bills. That is until May 16, 2010. On that evening an event occurred that would define my life up to at least this writing. After level off at 36,000 feet on my JFK-LAX leg back to my domicile my world lit up……..literally. My windshield caught on fire! The fire was within 36 inches of my face. Stick you arm out in front of you and at the tip of your index fire was a raging inferno! If you will follow the above link you will read my detailed accounting of that evening’s nightmare!
From that flight on May 16, 2010, until my surgery on December 17, 2019, there was a moving target in the medical crosshairs and that moving target was my heart!
As I have chronicled in my seven part series leading up to my aortic valve replacement surgery, it was, to use an ol Paul McCartney song title, “a long and winding road”!
Over the last four months recovering from open heart surgery, which has gone extremely well so far, I have had time to think about many things. There has been some subtle as well as some not so subtle things change with my persona.
I have always been a somewhat emotional guy, in that I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I could get my feelings hurt easily, but I would not necessarily let you know that. I was somewhat stubborn when it came to some things, but I wouldn’t necessarily dig my heals in and let everyone know that I was raising “The Bullshit Flag”!
Since my surgery, however, some of those things have changed. I now realize that my time on this Earth is well past the halfway point, or even well past the two-thirds point, and I need to look out for myself. It is not so much as being self-centered as it is realizing that, at 69 years old, there is more of my life in the rear view mirror than there is left out the front window! That, my friends, is a tough pill for me to swallow! I say that because I have always thought of my self as a young man, after all I am the youngest of five children.
As previously mentioned, in the last four months things have changed and I have found that I have little to zero tolerance for falsehoods, prevarications, obfuscations, bloviations, fallacies, hyperbole, deceit, lies, or just plain bullshit!!!
Sorry Mom, but I gotta call it the way that I see it!
Whereas I used to just hold it all in and fume about it at a latter time, I now walk smartly over to the flag pole and zip up the ol Bullshit Flag as fast as I can hoist it up! To put it another way, I really cannot stand for someone to insult my intelligence!
One of my new slogans that sums up the way that I feel these days is: “Don’t Piss On My Leg And Tell Me It Is Raining”!
The other side of that discussion is that I have found that I have noticed that it doesn’t take much to get the damn to break and my emotions will find a way to escape through my tear ducts. It is quite embarrassing, but I can’t control that aspect of my life right now!
Now at my advanced age, 69 yrs old, I have to learn how to deal with this new hand that I was dealt in this game of life!
The one thing that I have always done, but I am putting even more emphasis on it now, is to tell my loved ones how much that do love them. Whether it is my kids, my grandkids, my brothers, my extended family, or just my longtime friends. I always tell them that I love them when we part. I want them to know that I really appreciate them being a part of my life, whether it has been for six days or 69 years!
What I don’t know is how much time is granted to me since my open heart surgery, but I do know that I want to enjoy every minute of whatever time is left!
Referring back a few paragraphs when I mentioned that there are two concepts that people have to struggle with as they grow up and old, what you are and who you are.
After 69 years I now know WHAT I am! I am a retired airline pilot, a dad, a grandfather, and a brother.
But now I am in the process of discovering WHO I am! In this journey that has already embarked, as of December 17, 2019, I am trying to take it all in and to decipher what I see. As this journey meanders through life’s highways and byways, I will need the help of each and everyone of you who are in my life presently to interact with me, to share the ups and downs of my life, to keep me grounded, and most of all, to actively join in my journey and meet me at the destination!
My view on life used to be that it was the destination that counted, not the journey. But I have found that idea to be woefully inadequate of a description! Life is, in fact, about both the journey and the destination, my friends!
Will you join me in my journey to my destination? It should be one heck of a party as we proceed!
When the last episode ended my anesthetist had opened up the flood gate for “the happy juice” to flow through my IV. Additionally, I was about to grease another landing on in “Happy Valley”, the body tingling began, and then the lights went out!
Those six hours that I was out and on the heart/lung machine seemed to only be seconds before I was coming out from under the influence of “the happy juice”!
As I was slowly coming out of the deep comatose of anesthesia I was having intermittent breathing issues. I could feel the breathing tube down my throat and ending at the bottom of my right lung. It felt like I had a glob of phlegm, a goober, some may call it a loogie, that would temporarily block the bottom of the breathing tube so that I couldn’t breathe! I was beginning to panic. In a few minutes, or so it felt like, the breathing tube was being slowly removed!
Somewhere in this same time frame, while I was ever so slowly resurfacing, I heard my nurse tell me to wiggle my toes. I responded by trying to wiggle my toes. I thought that I could visualize a figure that resembled Jason near the foot of my bed. In fact, it was both Jason and Jim in the room! God, that was such a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that they were in the room with me.
As I found out later that night or maybe the next morning, Jason told me that he wormed his way into the ICU long before access was granted to the family. Apparently Jason was watching nurses, and other authorized individuals, come and go through that door and timed it perfectly when someone came out. He grabbed the door and held it open so that he and Jim could slip into my ICU cubicle. The ICU nurse was not happy with Jason, but allowed both of them to stay in my area for a few minutes to satisfy their concern!
As the effect of the general anesthesia was wearing off, I was thinking to myself, I made it! I don’t know how long that surgery took, but I made it! I am really alive! The emotions gushed all over me! I made it, I made it, I made it! They had fixed my heart and gotten me jump-started!
I AM ALIVE!
I guess that I am just lucky that way!
Soon I was able to keep my eyes open intermittently and my family was being allowed to come in to be with me while I was coming back to life.
I am not sure how long it took before all of my family was able to come in to visit me, but it sure felt good to be able to see them. I am sure that I probably wasn’t making great sense when conversing with them, but at least I was talking to them.
When we last gathered here I was relaying the story of my surgery being postponed because I had developed a UTI and the surgeon delayed the surgery so that I could get over that infection. What a huge emotional letdown that was, but it was much better that way than what could have been the alternative.
It is now the morning of December 16th and it is time, once again, to head over to La Jolla a day ahead of my scheduled aortic valve replacement surgery. This time Edie cannot come along because she had some medical appointments that she could not miss. No, this time it was just Jim and yours truly in my hot rod heading westbound through the desert to the Pacific Ocean! The other two brothers, with spouses with spouses in tow, and Jason (Jeremy was sick and I told him to stay home) were also heading to La Jolla to try this surgery support thing one more time.
This time, just like a finely choreographed dance movement, the four cars all arrived at the hotel within a few minutes of each other for checkin. We all took a few minutes to greet and hug each other. It sure made me feel a little more at ease to have my immediate family, once again, there for moral support.
We signed in at the front desk, exchanged pleasantries with the hotel owner, Maureen, unloaded our baggage into our respective rooms, and met back at the hotel office. Once we were all present, we headed down, once again to the taco joint, Puestos. It was a unanimous vote! Everyone was excited to get some more of those fabulous tacos there.
Following dinner we all adjourned to our respective rooms in preparation for my surgery in the morning at 8am. I pulled out the letters that I had written to my brothers and my son that were in envelopes. I instructed Jason to hand these out to my brothers for them to read while I was in surgery. He, Jason, also had a letter from me as well. I had decided a week prior to going to La Jolla for the first attempt at surgery that I wanted to express to each of my loved ones my inner most feelings, just in case the outcome of this surgery was less than the desired results.
In between this trip to San Diego and the last attempt at surgery I had completed the Power of Attorney forms so that Jason could make all the necessary decisions, if needed. I handed them to him in our hotel room and gave him a few instructions. I don’t think that it fully sunk into his head what this Power of Attorney means! It will strike him when they roll me down that long hallway for surgery, I will bet!
Prior to lights out in my room I receive a phone call from a phone number not listed in my phone and I debated on whether to answer that call. But it was an 858 area code and that was the area code for La Jolla. So I thought that I should take this call and not let it go to voice mail. I am very glad that I took the call because it was from my surgeon, Dr. Tyner. When I heard his voice I knew that something was up. He said that there was an opening in the surgery schedule slightly earlier in the morning and he would like for the surgery to occur during that time slot. Could I get to the hospital at 5am for a 7am surgery? I replied in the affirmative that I could be there at that time. So now I have three less hours of time til the show gets on the road. I notified everyone that I must be at the hospital at 5am, so we all set our alarms appropriately so that we could caravan over to Scripps.
So now it is time to go lights out and get some all important sleep before the big show happens bright and early in the morning!
The 3am wakeup call and alarm arrived within a blink of an eye, my friend! My routine began with shaving and taking a shower with this extremely strong ant-bacterial soap, just like the one I took just prior to climbing in the rack and grabbing some really valuable shut-eye.
I was trying to be a quiet as I could be so that Jason could sleep til I woke him up for the drive to the hospital. As I stepped into the shower a million thoughts ran through my mind. First and foremost was the thought of “yep this thing is really gonna happen”! Then I started thinking about what was really going to take place in that surgery room in about three hours. My heart began racing at supersonic speeds, my knees began to quiver, my mind was racing like a top fuel dragster, and the emotional flood gate opened up big time! Once again, my hair was on fire and I was having a hard time keeping it together in the shower. Thank God I was all by myself in there and nobody could see or hear what I was dealing with! I have to appear to have it together this morning and be fearless. Don’t let Jason and my brothers know that I am scared SHITLESS!! Put on your Pilot’s face Captain Blowdri…….do not let them see you sweat!
I was thinking just please just tell me when it’s over!
I drove the car with Jim and Jason along over to Scripps, which was quick and uneventful. THANK GOD!
Walking into the hospital I had another round of knees quivering and again the emotional rollercoaster had just left the loading station! As I rounded the corner and saw the receptionists desk where I needed to sign in, the emotional rollercoaster reached that first high peak, was now rocketing downhill, and my mind was having a hard time staying fixated on the paperwork that I was filling out!
As I finished the paperwork and walked over to where my family was seated the emotional rollercoaster subsided, at least temporarily.
Within about ten (10) minutes of completing the paperwork I was called back to begin the surgery prep. When that happened the ol body became overrun with the jitters. It was getting closer to a reality, this open heart surgery thing.
It took about 15-20 minutes to get me all prepped up for surgery. I stripped down to the ol birthday suit and slipped on that designer hospital gown that conveniently gives everyone a nice view of the ol flat saggy butt! At this point I really could care that, if I moved too quickly, I would be photographing the entire nurses station this morning. The unmistaken fact is that, unless they all had binoculars or a telescope they couldn’t see a thing. As George Costanza from Seinfeld so aptly put it……shrinkage was in affect this morning!
My brothers came in to talk with me and lend their support and express their love. Jerry and Sue came in and we prayed for my surgery to be successful and for my quick and complete recovery. When Jason came in I could tell in his eyes that he had grabbed the gravity of this event and appeared to be moved. Again, I expressed a few of my thoughts and requests to him. I told him to deliver the letters to the brothers once they rolled me down the hallway.
Shortly after I got those items off of my chest to Jason the surgical nurses came into my room and announced to me and Jason that “it is showtime”! I wanted to crawl out of that bed and slither out of that hospital, but I also knew that I have to have this procedure done if I want to live to a ripe old age. Jason squeezed my hand, gave me a kiss on the forehead, and told me that he loved me. It was extremely difficult for me to keep it together as they rolled me out of the room! I kept thinking don’t let him see that you are falling apart. You are the dad, be tough, be strong!
The ride down that hallway to the OR seemed to take an eternity. It was enough time for me to see my entire 68 years run by in my head. Along the route there was a left turn, then a right turn, and then we stopped in front a set of double doors. I think that this is where “the show” will be happening.
One of the nurses hit the button that opens up those doors to reveal this well lit, high tech, surgical room where I will spend the next 5 or 6 hours this morning. It was a busy hub of activity with 5 or 6 surgical nurses at their workstations preparing for my surgery. Once my two bed chauffeurs got me transferred onto that extremely narrow and highly uncomfortable surgical table, the process for me began.
The two that brought me into the surgery room began to attach all kinds of electric probes to my upper torso. They were very professional, but had a great sense of humor. I think that they could feel that I was petrified. So, they kept up the levity as they were doing their job.
Then something happened that I have never seen before. I have had a few surgeries in my day but this team was really unique. One by one each of the surgical team stopped what they were doing, walked over next to me, put their hand on my shoulder, introduced themselves to me, and explained their role in the surgery. The very last one to come over was the guy who was behind the big machine to my right. His name was Matt and he had the single largest impact on me.
He said, “Mr. Hammack my name is Matt. Do you see that big machine over there? That is the heart/lung machine and I will own you for the next 5 or 6 hours. I promise you that I will take very good care of you!”
WOW!!! That blew me completely away. I was astounded!
Now that the introductions were made they all went back to their workstations. I could tell that the preparations were rapidly coming to a conclusion. The anesthetist had arrived on scene and talked and comforted me as well. He said that he was giving me some thing to relax me a little. My two bed jockeys asked me if I would like to listen to some music while they were finishing up prepping me? Quickly I remember Dr. Tyner stating that he doesn’t allow any “noise” during the surgery. I said that I would like to listen to some music. I was asked what would be my pleasure? I replied do you have any Eagles tunes? Like magic my absolute favorite Eagles tune comes over the sound system…….. Hotel California!!!
How did they know?
Somewhere about halfway through this 6:36 classic rock and roll tune, before the Don Felder/Joe Walsh classic guitar solo, the anesthetist said to me, Good Night Mr. Hammack! With that announcement the curtain was beginning to fall and I didn’t get to hear the best part of the song……the guitar solo!
As my body began to tingle and I knew that the light switch was about to be thrown, my last thoughts before I greased on another landing in “Happy Valley ” was……..