(Captain Blowdri file photo)
Faster than a speeding bullet.…….
More powerful than a speeding locomotive…….
For those of us over 55 years old we are well aware of where those two phrases originated from……Superman.
But after my woeful Tuesday evening spent preparing for my early Wednesday morning colonoscopy, those two phrases took on a whole new meaning!
For those of you who may not have had to undergo this procedure for the over 50 gang, either because you are somewhat opposed to having an instrument “violating the sacred one way street” known as you rectum, or because you are not at the magic age of 50 yet, or flatly just because! Whatever your particular reasoning is behind keeping your behind sacred, I will still try to give you all an insight into my fourth such experience that was a personal violation of my “backdoor policy”!
After having my doctor consult, going over my medical history, advising him of the changes since my colonoscopy three years ago, I scheduled the date with the office. In return they gave me an information packet containing those valuable instructions and procedures. Along with the instructions was the prescription for the 4 liter/1 gallon of the gut wrenching bowel cleaner, that foul tasting liquid that will clean out your innards cleaner than any spit and polish thing that you have ever seen, Golytley. (Surely that name is an oxymoron……more about Golytely a little later!)
Now, this was not my first rodeo. I have had three colonoscopies in the last 10 years, so I knew just what I was in for, in the way of the preparation. The directions state, 24 hours prior to the procedure put the packet of Golytely in this huge jug, and fill it up to the line with water and the icky lemon-lime flavoring, and refrigerate. Filling this gigantic container, and knowing that you must consume this huge container of fluid was already turning my stomach.
On the day before my colonoscopy, at precisely 6pm, I am instructed to begin my “pre-op poop-shoot cleaning process”, by drinking half of this concoction in less than two hours. The instructions stated that I must drink an 8 ounce glass of this putrid liquid every 15 minutes, so that the 2 liters/ one-half gallon is consumed in the two-hour time limit.
As I have previously stated, this was not my first rodeo. I learned after the first go-around with this horribly convulsive mixture will also gag you and make you throw-up! So if you want to be successful at getting this liquid down so that it will make you crap your brains out, you have to design a system whereby you can actually get this crap into your stomach so that it will get rid of your crap!!
From my previous colonoscopies, and several attempts of trying not to vomit while I was drinking my Golytely, I found out that if you keep a couple wintergreen life savers in your mouth at all times it would help somewhat to mask that horrible taste. Well, I got a couple of those wintergreen lifesavers in my mouth and waited till I got good and wintergreened in my mouth. I wanted to make sure that there was not any chance of getting any hint of the real foul taste of Golytely in my mouth.
Once both of those two wintergreen lifesavers were melted and gone, I threw two more in my mouth for extra precaution. Now I was ready to make my first attempt at my 2 liters of Golytely for my first round of “cleaner”! I poured my Golytely into a large cup, about 16 ounces, and added a straw to suck that gawd awful liquid down my throat. I took a great big ol pull and swallowed it!
Within just a second or two, I started to “get the ooks”! You know the routine, looking for your “Buick”, calling your buddies, “Ralph and Ernie”, or worshiping the porcelain bowl! All of the sudden that Golytely went into reverse and desperately wanted to travel back up my esophagus and out of my mouth! I clenched my mouth closed tightly and did my best not to allow “the reverse action” to commence.
Now my mind was starting to race. How in the heck am I going to get this 2 liters down. I had remembered that the last time that I had to drink this “poisonous concoction” it seemed to be a lot easier to do with the wintergreen lifesavers in my mouth. Was I kidding myself, or do I have some form of dementia? I have only taken one drink and I am quite certain that I will not be able to down the full 2 liters! Man, I am in deep trouble because I am now committed to do this tonight!
I had to take a deep breath and start talking to myself in a very positive manner in order to try to get this fiasco over within the allotted 2 hours. I reloaded the wintergreen lifesavers in my mouth, took my second swallow, and once again that concoction caused my gag reflexes to start to repeat itself! I took a deep breath and took another big draw on the straw. This time the gag reflex was far less severe. I reloaded the lifesavers and took another drink. After three or four drinks I had to take a break, all the while being borderline “ookie”!
And so this is how the pattern went for the first thirty minutes of this ridiculous drinking exercise, lifesavers, drink, lifesavers, drink, etc.
Caution: Stay close to the restroom!
Now I find it somewhat comical that when reading all of the material associated with this prescription, there was this one caution at the bottom of all the instructions. Now, I find it to be fairly obvious that if you are taking something that is designed to absolutely remove every living thing out of you stomach, large intestines, as well as the small intestines, you really shouldn’t venture very far from the porcelain throne!
It read: caution stay close to the restroom.
Are you kidding me? I am not that stupid to drink this stuff and wander off to some place that doesn’t have a clean, private toilet!
As I remember from my previous “pooper preps”, once that Golytely starts to activate, and I use that term with great respect, the sphincter muscle, or I should say my sphincter is not strong enough to keep the back door closed long enough to walk very far to the can! Therefore, once that Golytely begins to gather up strength, and begins to rock and roll and heading downhill, you had better be “in position”, because you are now along for the ride of your life!
Now keep in mind that I have not quite drank a third of my allotted 1/2 gallon of Golytley for the night. The mixture is now adding the necessary combustion in my lower G.I. and all HELL is now breaking loose. Nevertheless, I still have to continue drinking this mess while I am making a mess! Did I mention that this drink still makes me want to throw up?
So now I am “in the position”, another phrase for sitting on the can, drinking the solution, and wondering how long I can keep doing this…. Well I found out that if you drink 2 liters of this magical concoction within the two-hour time limit, you will be sitting on the can for about 3:30 minutes.
I was completely worn out! I was tired of drinking and swallowing, however, I was really tired of sitting on the can! When I stood up I could see the ring of the toilet seat carved into my non existent buttocks. It was a very pretty red ring that was left there!
It was 9:45pm and time to go to bed. I had to get up at 3:10 am to repeat this process all over again to finish the “flush out”! That’s right I still had another 2 liters of the “gut flush” to drink and further clean out my already clean “pooper”, prior to my 7:45 am colonoscopy procedure.
To say that the second part of the old “backdoor cleaning process” was any easier or smoother than the first, I would be lying to you. In fact, to save my fingers from typing the same words all over again, just reread the last 11 paragraphs. In fact, my gag reflexes were even more sensitive and more repulsive at 3:15 am than they were at 6pm!
All total I am not sure just how many wintergreen lifesavers I consumed during those two Golytley periods. I possibly might be a very large stockholder in that company from my consumption of lifesavers.
By the time that the early morning gag, drink, wintergreen lifesavers, repeat, was wrapped up there were a few things that I noticed. The first thing is that I really do not ever want to see any of those wintergreen lifesavers again. Just thinking about putting one in my mouth gives me nightmares!
Secondly, just thinking about Golytely turns my stomach.
Lastly, there has to be some softer toilet paper on the market. Charmin is advertised as being oh so soft, yeah right! Remember how your nose feels when you have a cold and you are always blowing it and wiping it? You nose gets irritated, beet red, and really sensitive.
What do you think that your buttocks feels like after you have blown everything from you stomach out your rectal orifice?
Do you get my drift there? Let’s just say that sitting down was a little bit touch and go!
Now for those of you who might still be wondering about the how the title of this article, the contents of this article, and how the picture that I selected all fit together, I will try to explain.
Once the Golytely gets to rocking and rolling in your stomach, it gathers up speed and starts racing towards your rectal orifice faster that a speeding bullet! It is also more powerful than a speeding locomotive, and you can’t stop it once it decides to try to make the great escape! Ok, that explains the two quotes from Superman.
The picture is an F-5, a derivative of the T-38 that I flew in pilot training. It is a supersonic fighter that is also faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive! However when flying the F-5 you do not need to be close to a toilet, unless, you are scaring the crap out of yourself!
Ok, I will admit that during my time flying the T-38 there were a few times that I wished that I had a toilet really close by!
Just remember a clean colon is a happy colon!
TIL NEXT TIME, ROGER, WILCO, OVER, AND OUT!